Cold Hands, Warm Heart
by mcmachine
Summary: 14x23 fix-it. When the two of them finally have a moment alone, April tells Jackson a few more details of what she remembered happening when she nearly died.


**_APRIL_**

"Stay a few minutes." My voice was hoarse with the request, fingers tightening around his hand momentarily.

I knew that there was no way Jackson was going to say no to me right now. Not with the way that he had been attached to my side since the moment that I had woken up and presumably before that.

It's rare to hear a man like Jackson do what he had done. He had never believed and I knew that. I had learned to accept it and I had loved him regardless of it. Religious or not, he was a good and wholesome man, moral and kind, always willing to do the right thing. His heart was one of the most beautiful things about him. It always had been, no matter how incredibly handsome he was on the outside, too. It might have been cliche but the outside was reflective of his inside.

"Whatever you want," he agreed with a soft smile, sitting back down on the chair that had been placed right by my bed. His hand gave mine a gentle squeeze, lifting it up to his lips and placing a kiss on the back of my knuckles. "Do you want me to go get Harriet?" He asked.

"No, not yet," I shook my head. "I don't want her to see me till I'm a little stronger. Tomorrow. I don't want to scare her." Even if she was unlikely to remember it, it was better to just leave it there.

Jackson gave me a small smile for a moment, both his hands wrapping around my paler one. I'm even paler than usual from the incident and I know it, and our hands only juxtaposed it. My hands were still cold after everything and he seemed to be radiating heat. Even if it would have been inappropriate, a part of me wanted nothing more than to have him lay in the bed with me and curl up against him like I had when we were together, feel the warmth and love wrapped all around me. I don't know how to ask him to do that.

"Is there anything that you need for me to get you? Some water? Another blanket?" He asked, his thumb drawing circles against the veins on the back of my hand.

"No, no. I'm good right here." A corner of my mouth lifted up at him with a gentle smile. "Your hands are warm. But maybe tomorrow if you wanted to bring me some fuzzy socks or one of your sweatshirts, I wouldn't object to that."

"I'll bring you a sweatshirt and some fuzzy socks, sure," Jackson agreed with a nod, breathing out against my hands and warming them gently, then rubbing them back and forth with mine between. "Anything else you want? I can run by your house and get whatever else you want. It's not a problem."

"I'll be just fine, I promise." I had lost track of how many times I had said those particular words between him, Arizona, and everyone else. But I was still certain of that much.

But there was something on my mind that was still bothered me. Maybe bothered was the wrong word but I had kept something from him that I shouldn't have. Everyone had been in the room and when Meredith had asked if I had seen anyone when I had been under, I hadn't been ready to talk about Samuel in front of them all. All those eager eyes, looking for something happy or inspiring… it felt wrong to ruin the mood by bringing up our passed son. It was better to have a private conversation about it.

My other hand reached over, placing it on top of his and giving his own hand a gentle rub. His eyes flickered up from our hands and to my eyes, a fond softness in his gaze that I had missed seeing so much. There was so much between the two of us I had missed.

"There's something that I want to tell you, though. Just between the two of us." I started.

"What's that?" Jackson asked, one of his eyebrows quirking upward.

"You know how Meredith asked if I had seen anyone when I was down? A dead dog?" I braced the subject gently, not wanting to burst his mind completely with it. Seeing Buster or Pickles would have been nothing compared to Samuel.

He nodded slightly. "Yeah, I remember. You said you didn't."

"I did," I admitted, letting half a smile soften my words. "I just didn't want to talk about it in front of everyone. It didn't feel right to go… spilling it all out. I just want to talk to you about it." My hand gave a quick rub across the back of his, squeezing them gently and letting another smile flash across my expression for just a brief moment.

Jackson's hand ran up and down the length of my arm for a moment but his gaze remained on my face. "You can tell me whatever you want, April. Whatever you need. Was it Jesus?" He asked.

"No," I answered with a small laugh. "No, it wasn't Jesus. I think that I would've been able to tell everyone. That's not the kind of thing that you shut up about, really."

"Then what it is?" He prompted me to continue.

"I saw the most beautiful little boy. A toddler. He had these big, bouncy curls and these light eyes. I couldn't tell if they were blue or green. Kind of the same problem that I had with you for a long time, actually. Till I got close and had plenty of time to stare and decided they're both. He was just… beautiful and handsome. One of the prettiest children that I had ever seen in my life. And he was so happy. He had the biggest smile. Just full of happiness."

Fond affection filled the curve of my lips as I spoke freely and without concern of being overheard, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. Then I reach out to him, cupping his face gently and smiling.

"I saw our baby boy, Jackson. I saw Samuel. He's happy and he's safe. And healthy."

After everything that had happened in the past few hours, I hadn't thought that Jackson was going to break down in tears again. And yet that's exactly what he does upon my confession, his brow bunched together in no doubt an attempt to try and reserve the tears. Yet they slip from his gaze regardless of his control, red tined along the whites of his eyes.

"He's happy?" Jackson barely whispered out.

"Yeah, he is."

Momentarily without another word, Jackson leaned forward and dropped his head, resting it on my stomach. There are no stitches there and it doesn't hurt. I let him sob freely into me for a little while, my hand affectionately cupping the back of his head and running my nails very lightly over his scalp in the way that he had always liked when we had been together. There was a tiny part of me that felt like crying at the information too, but at the same time, it had been a blessing. A sign. Things were going to be okay, going to stay okay for him, even if I still needed to be here with our daughter.

"He looks like you," I continued with a soft smile curling into place for a moment. "Just like you. His baby pictures would have been a replica of yours."

His hand rested on my stomach where his head wasn't and barely rubbed against it, and I understand. That had been his main connection with Samuel. When I had been pregnant with Samuel, he'd always been touching my belly. It'd been different with Harriet, of course. But he'd loved my baby belly with our little boy.

"He's so happy and so, so loved. And he knows that he's loved. He knows, baby." It's the first time that I've used an affectionate term with him in a long time. But it fits at the moment. Right now, we weren't a divorced couple. We were just two parents who had lost someone they loved.

"Thank you for telling me," Jackson's words are mumbled into my skin, pressing a kiss above my belly button before lifting his head up.

"Of course," I murmured, stroking the back of his head again. "Of course."

My eyes shut for a moment and I play back the image in my head, exactly as I had described it to him. The big curls had reminded me of the baby photographs that Catherine had shown me of Jackson when he was younger, but they were a few shades lighter. Maybe even a little reddish.

"Did he… do or say anything?" Jackson asked as he looked at me, keeping his hand on my stomach and his thumb continuing to draw small circles over the blanket.

"He laughed and it was beautiful. He didn't say anything, but… he laughed and he held my hand and it was everything."

Everything that we could have had with him and everything that we didn't. My heart would never completely heal from the loss of our son and I knew that Jackson was in the same place. There are some things that just couldn't be repaired. They couldn't. The loss was too much and there was nothing that would ever be able to fill the loss. Even though we both loved and adored Harriet, she wasn't a replacement for the child we had lost. She was a magnificent and wonderful miracle all on her own.

"That's amazing." His hand found mine again. "I guess God came through for both of us."

A huge smile blew across my features, unable to help myself. "Uh huh." I clucked my tongue. "He did." I paused a moment before reciting a Bible verse, I found it fitting for the moment. "Now, O Lord God, You are God, and Your words are truth, and You have promised this good thing to Your servant. Do you know what that's from?"

Jackson shook his head. "No, what is it?"

"2nd Samuel, 7:28. Samuel was a prophet in the Bible. God called to him as a boy." I explained. "When… when we lost him, I hated it. But I don't know anymore. Now it just seems to work. Maybe I'm crazy. I don't know."

"You're not crazy," he spoke up quickly. "I thought I was crazy when I finished praying and you squeezed my hand. Like you were waiting for me to be done. It was like God dropped some bomb in my lap. Some, try and doubt me now crap." A chuckle passed through his lips, running his free hand over his face.

"Would you be mad if I told you I was waiting for you to finish?" I asked with a grin. His eyes rolled and he shook his head. "I started hearing in the middle. I think the middle, at least."

"I don't care. I'm just glad that you woke up." Jackson picked up my hand once more, squeezing it like he was never going to let go. "I don't want to leave your side ever again."

"I'm gonna be okay. But you can stay as long as you want."

Another smile is gifted from him to me and I returned it without hesitation, giving his hand another little squeeze. I was happy to have his company no matter how exhausted I was. My bones felt heavy and my body begged me for some release of sleep, but I force my eyes open for as long as he's in the room. I could give him that much. I wanted to give him that much.

But no matter how I try and force myself to stay awake, it's not like I can get myself a cup of coffee even if my little caffeine addiction would have loved that much. My eyes grow heavier and heavier. I think that he could see it, too.

"You're exhausted," Jackson murmured, reaching up and stroking my hair.

"A little bit. But I don't want you to go." I barely moved one shoulder in a shrug, trying not to wince. "Will you lay with me? Just for a little while?" I asked, chewing my lower lip.

He gave a nod of his head as he stood up from the chair and pushed it away a bit. I shifted over carefully and he laid down next to me on the bed, a little crowded, stretching his legs down the length of it. I fit into the curve of his body just as naturally as I always had as if there wasn't a thing in the world that had changed between the two of us. It's a magical feeling.

I stay there for a few minutes and let my eyes fall shut, focusing on how nice and warm he is when he's pressed up against me like this. It's intimate and comfortable, his arm wrapped carefully around me. We have to be a bit careful from the stitches and the wires, but other than that, it's perfection in every possible way.

"I wish we could stay like this forever," I confessed quietly, placing my arm on top of his.

"We can," Jackson replied as if it's the most simple thing in the world.

"What about Maggie?" I don't have to say a word about Matthew. Not really. He'd always been settling for me, never quite what I wanted, but somehow just a little bit better than being alone. It was amazing that he'd been willing to even be in the same room with me after I had left him embarrassed at the altar.

Jackson shook his head against me and I can feel it, then pressing a kiss against my hair. "Don't worry about her. You're the woman that I love. You always have been, and you always will be. It seems stupid to ignore that now."

"I love you too, Jackson."

Without another word needing to be passed between us, he settled his face into my hair and breathed in deep, and I feel that spark of a connection between the two of us growing and refueled again. It's there again. We were there again. I had teased about wanting to have little mints on my wedding day and I'd had them there, for the almost wedding, but I knew with that relationship... it just hadn't made sense. The two of us were meant to be on every possible level. We always had been, and we always would be. Now it was clear that nothing would change that.


End file.
